...THIS MOMENT...

Sometimes I sit still, thinking of you.  And I am smiling when I don't realize it.  I'm remembering your eyes as they searched mine for the same wish...us.  As if by design, we laughed together at unspoken words.  However,  the butterflies in the center of my being and your anxiousness to kiss me spoke a thousand love languages.  Excitement and fear filled the small space between us and we are closer than we have ever been.  I try at a a sexy pout but on the way, get lost in yours.  It's so difficult to take my eyes away from your beautiful lips and when I do, I am again lost in your eyes.  Keeping my distance from you seems impossible and I reach for you.  Unable to resist, I intertwine our fingers intamitely.  The butterflies multiply and create a new dance inside of me. The space which is left between us becomes dangerously urgent.  Finding our hands no longer an acceptable distraction, I look up and see you staring at me.  I melt. Into you. Warmth. Love. Everlasting. Timeless. Exact and indestructible.  And it feels incredible.

ASHES

still inspired by nothing i found my way to the fireplace and stared into it.  the flames fought for attention like my thoughts. one jumping in front of the other in an attempt to establish power.  worried about everything, I wished the fire could burn the memories from my brain.  too many things happened. Too many things gone wrong in the past. i hung my head and felt the heat of the flames on my scalp.  maybe it could work. maybe i would singe all the negative hopeless pieces into ashes.  Then i could brush them away. dusting my hands in a dismissive good riddance rhyme.   the sounds of my hands moving against each other meant it was over.  and i could start over. except for the dismaying fact that I, indeed, had to let go. pulling my hands apart seemed impossible. not looking away from them, tightly clasped, concluded the obvious.  that i rather enjoy the misery of endless consideration for what should be left in the dust.

stay tuned....

what I write is what comes to mind.  raw. uncensored. riddle-like at times.  Major dissonance.  no matching socks on this site.  what appears as unedited is purposeful.  meaningful. and it touches me.  no real rules only real words.

thanks for reading.

cheater

what i feel deep inside of me...it's too real.  I feel it's strength building with every moment passed.  I feel it's power surrounding my spirit.  Like that of a fetus growing inside of it's mothers womb, it is stretching me into discomfort. pulling at my skin to take notice of it.  Stronger than the kicks of the baby's tiny feet, i can see the bruise you left on me.  I don't want to know. I don't want it to be true. I want what is fair and what I deserve not your selfish, indulgent ways. and definitely not the consequences of your thoughtless action. Stinging eyes, blurred vision, weak limbs, exhausted being.  My instinct has won. It beat me once again.  That's how I found out and now I will never forget.

it reads like i Feel

i used to think that if I wanted it I could have it.  Mainly because of where I've been and what I've seen.  I won't invalidate my experiences by commenting that it could have been worse.  It was "worse" to me.  It is MY past, present and future. period.  Realizing that i had more power than i was aware of rips my heart to shreds.  Knowing that I had ultimate control and gave it away makes my soul shiver.  I was so unaware of so many things.  Some people call it naivete.  But something was stolen from me or never given to me in the beginning.  Early on when my character and personality was shaped.  Many misses  many heartaches before i knew what heartache was.  I used to be able to remove the excuses.  I was stronger -which I attribute to ignorant bliss- and able to look ahead of any disappointment.  Pulling myself along out of the quicksand and into the sky.  I was so proud of that. proud to be resilient. confident in winning.  what happened to me...

mumbo jumbo...

turmoil brings out the best words.  at times, it can also silence them.  a gift and a curse.  I never quite understood the meaning until recently.  A gift that can be shared and give/bring joy to ourselves and others.  the curse is the pain and suffering that must be endured to bring about joy.  Not sure it's worth it.  Right now at this moment, I can't be sure that the outcome will be as sweet because I may not be the same after THIS is over.  After this storm, once the page turns, when the story ends, when I grow up.   Be still they said. Wait and be silent. Be aggressive. Don't hold back.  GO for it.  Contradictory statements to me.  But anything is better than the in between.  Like purgatory.  What have I committed in the past life?  It couldn't have been THAT bad.  Perception is everything.  Another concept I have come to understand.  I don't know how to change what is.  Just because I say it isn't doesn't make it different.  I wonder if anyone can understand this mumbo jumbo besides me?  Question of the year.    

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.

you get to have it all?  all the fun.  you get to make all the decisions.  you are the only one that gets to laugh.  I wanted to share them with you. those things. those special times. those moments in which life happens.  but that's not your story is it?  not your plan.  your plan is to stop the pain by any means, at any cost.  your plan is to hide out in the open. feigning strength.  pretending to care.  but you are fooling no one. not even yourself.  that's why you cry out.  that's what makes your heart beat slow. If you would like to live this way, you will do it alone. It's your decision, since you're the only person allowed to make them.