I THINK I CAN

If you made plans to sacrifice and you've sacrificed....and more obstacles came your way- making life even more difficult....oh well.  PUSH.  You have no choice. Rev Run tweeted yesterday: you have to be committed to making life work.  DAMN.  That was my immediate response.  Because I feel I am as committed as I can be....but there is always more to do, different choices to make, new goals to set, a greater plan to devise.  Being committed means not giving up.  When things are hard and they get harder, often times- based on our character- we can find, muster the strength to push forward, regain control and work for the success we want.  It's when things become unfairly difficult that we question our actions in regard to trying.  Unfair.  Where did this word come from. When circumstances are out of your control. Unfair.  When those circumstances affect your progress. Unfair.  When you followed the rules, created the opportunities, moved from your comfort zone, bit off more than you could chew (and kept chewing) and were fair to others and you were treated unfairly.  Kicked while your were down, taken advantage of, lied to, abused...Unfair?!  Oh well. Life won't stop nor wait for you to get over it.  This is the truth.  When you have no one to help you and it is JUST YOU. It will still be unfair. Ultimately, you will need to correct for what has happened to you. YOU. These are the cards your were dealt...it's your choice to win with them.  If there is no option to fail...then you won't. However, you may find yourself re-defining the meaning of winning.  #letswin #letgoletGOD

P.S.  this is still some bullsh** *angry face* uuuggggghhhhhh.

GOODBYE

when i say im going through some things, that means im stuck in quicksand and i am drowning.  you cant see that?  when i sit in silence with my eyes open, it means that i am crying out for help, why can't you hear me?  if i am late for lunch and rush in smiling with my mouth and not my eyes, you should see that.  when our plans are abruptly cancelled and i do not reschedule its because defeat has weighed me down like a ton of bricks. you should come get me. when you tell me to try and i retreat into myself its because terror looks back at me in the mirror.  didn't you see the reflection?  when you don't hear my voice, see my tears, sense my distress or see the complete destruction of me...it means you finally showed up and touched my cold hands....and if you still don't understand, you should read my note.

...THIS MOMENT...

Sometimes I sit still, thinking of you.  And I am smiling when I don't realize it.  I'm remembering your eyes as they searched mine for the same wish...us.  As if by design, we laughed together at unspoken words.  However,  the butterflies in the center of my being and your anxiousness to kiss me spoke a thousand love languages.  Excitement and fear filled the small space between us and we are closer than we have ever been.  I try at a a sexy pout but on the way, get lost in yours.  It's so difficult to take my eyes away from your beautiful lips and when I do, I am again lost in your eyes.  Keeping my distance from you seems impossible and I reach for you.  Unable to resist, I intertwine our fingers intamitely.  The butterflies multiply and create a new dance inside of me. The space which is left between us becomes dangerously urgent.  Finding our hands no longer an acceptable distraction, I look up and see you staring at me.  I melt. Into you. Warmth. Love. Everlasting. Timeless. Exact and indestructible.  And it feels incredible.

ASHES

still inspired by nothing i found my way to the fireplace and stared into it.  the flames fought for attention like my thoughts. one jumping in front of the other in an attempt to establish power.  worried about everything, I wished the fire could burn the memories from my brain.  too many things happened. Too many things gone wrong in the past. i hung my head and felt the heat of the flames on my scalp.  maybe it could work. maybe i would singe all the negative hopeless pieces into ashes.  Then i could brush them away. dusting my hands in a dismissive good riddance rhyme.   the sounds of my hands moving against each other meant it was over.  and i could start over. except for the dismaying fact that I, indeed, had to let go. pulling my hands apart seemed impossible. not looking away from them, tightly clasped, concluded the obvious.  that i rather enjoy the misery of endless consideration for what should be left in the dust.

stay tuned....

what I write is what comes to mind.  raw. uncensored. riddle-like at times.  Major dissonance.  no matching socks on this site.  what appears as unedited is purposeful.  meaningful. and it touches me.  no real rules only real words.

thanks for reading.

cheater

what i feel deep inside of me...it's too real.  I feel it's strength building with every moment passed.  I feel it's power surrounding my spirit.  Like that of a fetus growing inside of it's mothers womb, it is stretching me into discomfort. pulling at my skin to take notice of it.  Stronger than the kicks of the baby's tiny feet, i can see the bruise you left on me.  I don't want to know. I don't want it to be true. I want what is fair and what I deserve not your selfish, indulgent ways. and definitely not the consequences of your thoughtless action. Stinging eyes, blurred vision, weak limbs, exhausted being.  My instinct has won. It beat me once again.  That's how I found out and now I will never forget.

it reads like i Feel

i used to think that if I wanted it I could have it.  Mainly because of where I've been and what I've seen.  I won't invalidate my experiences by commenting that it could have been worse.  It was "worse" to me.  It is MY past, present and future. period.  Realizing that i had more power than i was aware of rips my heart to shreds.  Knowing that I had ultimate control and gave it away makes my soul shiver.  I was so unaware of so many things.  Some people call it naivete.  But something was stolen from me or never given to me in the beginning.  Early on when my character and personality was shaped.  Many misses  many heartaches before i knew what heartache was.  I used to be able to remove the excuses.  I was stronger -which I attribute to ignorant bliss- and able to look ahead of any disappointment.  Pulling myself along out of the quicksand and into the sky.  I was so proud of that. proud to be resilient. confident in winning.  what happened to me...

mumbo jumbo...

turmoil brings out the best words.  at times, it can also silence them.  a gift and a curse.  I never quite understood the meaning until recently.  A gift that can be shared and give/bring joy to ourselves and others.  the curse is the pain and suffering that must be endured to bring about joy.  Not sure it's worth it.  Right now at this moment, I can't be sure that the outcome will be as sweet because I may not be the same after THIS is over.  After this storm, once the page turns, when the story ends, when I grow up.   Be still they said. Wait and be silent. Be aggressive. Don't hold back.  GO for it.  Contradictory statements to me.  But anything is better than the in between.  Like purgatory.  What have I committed in the past life?  It couldn't have been THAT bad.  Perception is everything.  Another concept I have come to understand.  I don't know how to change what is.  Just because I say it isn't doesn't make it different.  I wonder if anyone can understand this mumbo jumbo besides me?  Question of the year.    

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.

you get to have it all?  all the fun.  you get to make all the decisions.  you are the only one that gets to laugh.  I wanted to share them with you. those things. those special times. those moments in which life happens.  but that's not your story is it?  not your plan.  your plan is to stop the pain by any means, at any cost.  your plan is to hide out in the open. feigning strength.  pretending to care.  but you are fooling no one. not even yourself.  that's why you cry out.  that's what makes your heart beat slow. If you would like to live this way, you will do it alone. It's your decision, since you're the only person allowed to make them.

MY NAME IS AVA

Gripping the warm mug was my only solace.  A long weekend with no plans of my own. My heart was pained and I had caused it -or at least allowed it-and now I sipped.  The only warmth in my chest came from hot cocoa doused with caramel –like the color of his skin.  I was alone and it hurt. It wasn’t good but it was best.  The best I had done wasn’t good enough at least in one person’s eyes.  Or were those eyes mine?  I still get confused because my emotions are in such disarray.  I guess they always had been but somehow unrecognized by me.  Did he know? And who cares? Why am I asking.  It wouldn’t change him or me.  And I should hope that it wouldn’t. As I said before, this is best I could do.  Another sip didn’t turn off the faucet of coldness I felt in my veins pumping ice to my heart. Voided with a step out of the door. Voided with his hand in hers. Canceled out with the passionate kiss they shared. Controlled by the absolute collapse of us.  Taken over by the absolute collapse of me. I took another sip and this time is fueled me as a hug from a friend would.  A knowing look in the eyes of someone that cared to simply be there.  A gentle nudge to jump boldly back into life. Or at least creep quietly into the next day.  It filled with the sun and emptied with the moon, my heart that is.  As night fell so did I.  Onto the floor with sobs like a toddler. Dying with each tear. Screaming with each shake of my shoulders. No one heard me but they saw.  The beauty in my eyes turned into gray circles beneath them.  The confident walk no more. A wilted neck with my head rising only to appear awake. The internal beat of my heart barely audible and I couldn’t feel it. Gripping my mug with all my strength, sobbing with any energy I had left, head hung to the lowest it’s ever been as I listened to the voice mail again and again. “Be ready for me Tiffany, we have 3 days for just you and me. I love you.”   

A BRISK WALK

I walked briskly down the Avenue.  I wanted to get there before she did. The wind was blowing ferociously and whipping my freshly curled locks all around.  I hated when that happened.  I needed my hair, and everything else, to look exactly the same way it had when I last looked into the mirror.  Frizzed curls and hair stuck to thickly applied lip gloss was not going to help me win.   I’d said it as if it were some sort of challenge, a game.  And he was the prize.   He was a beautiful, muscular, chivalrous, generous hard-bodied prize. I was overdue for the “number one” spot .  The last time I’d won anything I was 9-years old and spelled “meticulous” correctly.   Well, there was the $5 scratch off when I was 18.  But hell I’d spend it exactly where I’d won it at the liquor store.  On a pack of cigarettes, gum and 8 blow pops. Later my friends and I walked throughout the neighborhood lighting up and being “cool”.   My friends and I thought we were grown and tempted our legality often.  Being 18 was fun but now I was older.  Out of my teens a month ago, I was twenty now and much more mature.  I’d been through a few things.  I’d seen a lot more.  I knew that men couldn’t be trusted and women could be trusted even less.  I had a 20-hour a week job, was enrolled in college-12 credits!  I had a lot on my plate!  I truly didn’t have time to deal with this mess but I wasn’t about to let HER have anything that I wanted.  He wanted me too.  He’d spent every night with me last week didn’t he? Plus I knew him more than she did.  He was only using her because she was easy. You know, a loose girl.  Probably anyone who showed her enough attention could get her to do anything he wanted.  A shame.  She should be ashamed. Didn’t she have parents? WOW.  How embarrassing.   But she didn’t seem to care. I mean I respect myself way too much to behave the way she does.  That’s why I had to show up. And let her know she can’t and won’t have him.   She was silly to think he would choose her over me... 

ONE MORE TIME

If I could do it all over again I would love you after I loved me and then love you again.  I would love you hard and love you perfectly.  If I could start over I would know what I want from you and I would tell you to give it to me.  If I had another chance to love you, I would.  If the opportunity came along, I would praise God for our love.   And I would pray that we would always be.  I would already know that we were in God’s plan.  But because I can’t do it all over again, I’ll remember my love for you, love that I didn’t have for myself.  Because I am not able to start over, I can only love the memory of us, if only the good parts of us. Because I don’t have another chance to be with you, I will try to forget all the good parts of us that I just can’t forget.  Since another opportunity for us won’t come along, I will thank God that I had you for a season and praise Him that my heart still beats even when I didn’t follow HIS plan for us.  I will pray now that His plan for me isn’t to be alone because without you that’s all I am.

BLACK TEARS

I knew it was a bad day when I stopped wanting make up. I didn't want ANYTHING.  I reviewed my wish list and added nothing.  I had nothing colorful left inside of me. Gray-ish black shades covered my lids with smokey shadows over my heart. The blackest liner only intensified the sadness in my eyes. Muted lip colour washed out my smile. No blush on the apples of my cheeks as they would never rise. A gloss-less frown wouldn't dare shimmer in the sunlight. Dark contour accentuated the sunken hollows of my cheeks. I knew it was a rough day when I couldn't stand up straight. I couldn't look anyone in the eye.  I couldn't even look in the mirror for a final dusting of finishing powder.  Nothing was finished and everything undone. I unraveled and sat bare in my make-up.  As tears streamed down my face, I finally had one thing to add to my wish list: mascara.  It should have been waterproof.

JUMPING OUT THE WINDOW

I don't love you right now.  maybe I will again...maybe.  This is your fault.  I'm not playing the blame game.  I am responsible for my decisions and my happiness. But you have pushed ME to the limit.  You used my love for personal, selfish reasons.  You made your pain my pain and how would I know when all I feel is hurt?  burdens that aren't mine.  tears the fall without reason.  anger which singes the edges of my heart.  Sobs heavy on my shoulders and in my chest scream, WHY? but I don't understand it.  I was losing it all and you laughed.  You enjoyed it but I don't know how you could.  Evil. "Misery loves company" is tattooed on your heart.  If I fail then you won't be the only one they laugh at. But if I fail you fail, TWICE.  Catch 22?  Not for you. Complete control of me helped you balance your guilt and pleasure.  But now I can see you. And now I learn to be me.  My life plays before me.  I can see it clearly -past present and future. In the past, I could only see through your eyes and would feel extreme pain because I was only looking at you. Your downfall fresh in your mind. Your unforgiven mistakes. Your neon bright regrets all reaching for my innocence. Presently, I see through your eyes but now I am looking at me.  AND I AM DISGUSTED by the sight. The way you see me, use me, taunt me, abuse me then discard me.  I have seen enough and refuse to look again.  Celebrating my own eyes, I see me.  Bruised and busted.  Torn and scraped -but bandaged.  I WILL heal and so will my heart.  And it too will see love that it has never known.  I almost hate you for this battle and I almost love you for my breakthrough.  Trusting HIM got me here and will always keep me.  So in the future I am #jumpingoutthewindow.  I'm loving all of me all the time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011 :)

Well we made it.  MADE it into a new year.  2010 is now over and I can say it has been choc-full of events happy sad good and bad. Still, the blessings flow to me from GOD.  I am thankful, grateful, and poised for what's to come.  Unexpected but solicited advice has me in a new place. A new frame of mind.  Well not so much new as no longer dormant.  The new year means new things!  For some, it's just another year.  For me, it's another chance to be fabulous. To be great. To try and to succeed.  Whatever comes along with that is dealt with accordingly.  Of course, one may evolve throughout the year.  Anytime, anyplace.  But there is something fresh about January 1st.  It offers something January 2nd can't.  On January 2nd, the past begins but Jan 1st you can start again.  Mistakes, miscalculations and errors are history.  A part of the legacy of YOU.  I feel like mistakes made in 2010 are corrected in 2010.  They are addressed (or not) and consequences, results and responses are true and real in 2010. BUT in 2011, they are all in the past.  It's been done, dealt with and dismissed.  Any residual effects are now opportunities to grow or forget.  You choose. You decide. You LIVE.  Spinning wheels, guessing at life or wishing for what isn't BECOMES anything possible.  Your strength is again determined on January 1st . Your zest for life is renewed on January 1st. Your sorrows are thrown away at midnight.  It is beautiful -at least for that day.  Reality is now on January 1st.  So do it right.  Make great choices and have better follow through.  Love differently. Heal. Be better. Be the best.