...THIS MOMENT...

Sometimes I sit still, thinking of you.  And I am smiling when I don't realize it.  I'm remembering your eyes as they searched mine for the same wish...us.  As if by design, we laughed together at unspoken words.  However,  the butterflies in the center of my being and your anxiousness to kiss me spoke a thousand love languages.  Excitement and fear filled the small space between us and we are closer than we have ever been.  I try at a a sexy pout but on the way, get lost in yours.  It's so difficult to take my eyes away from your beautiful lips and when I do, I am again lost in your eyes.  Keeping my distance from you seems impossible and I reach for you.  Unable to resist, I intertwine our fingers intamitely.  The butterflies multiply and create a new dance inside of me. The space which is left between us becomes dangerously urgent.  Finding our hands no longer an acceptable distraction, I look up and see you staring at me.  I melt. Into you. Warmth. Love. Everlasting. Timeless. Exact and indestructible.  And it feels incredible.

cheater

what i feel deep inside of me...it's too real.  I feel it's strength building with every moment passed.  I feel it's power surrounding my spirit.  Like that of a fetus growing inside of it's mothers womb, it is stretching me into discomfort. pulling at my skin to take notice of it.  Stronger than the kicks of the baby's tiny feet, i can see the bruise you left on me.  I don't want to know. I don't want it to be true. I want what is fair and what I deserve not your selfish, indulgent ways. and definitely not the consequences of your thoughtless action. Stinging eyes, blurred vision, weak limbs, exhausted being.  My instinct has won. It beat me once again.  That's how I found out and now I will never forget.

it reads like i Feel

i used to think that if I wanted it I could have it.  Mainly because of where I've been and what I've seen.  I won't invalidate my experiences by commenting that it could have been worse.  It was "worse" to me.  It is MY past, present and future. period.  Realizing that i had more power than i was aware of rips my heart to shreds.  Knowing that I had ultimate control and gave it away makes my soul shiver.  I was so unaware of so many things.  Some people call it naivete.  But something was stolen from me or never given to me in the beginning.  Early on when my character and personality was shaped.  Many misses  many heartaches before i knew what heartache was.  I used to be able to remove the excuses.  I was stronger -which I attribute to ignorant bliss- and able to look ahead of any disappointment.  Pulling myself along out of the quicksand and into the sky.  I was so proud of that. proud to be resilient. confident in winning.  what happened to me...

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.

you get to have it all?  all the fun.  you get to make all the decisions.  you are the only one that gets to laugh.  I wanted to share them with you. those things. those special times. those moments in which life happens.  but that's not your story is it?  not your plan.  your plan is to stop the pain by any means, at any cost.  your plan is to hide out in the open. feigning strength.  pretending to care.  but you are fooling no one. not even yourself.  that's why you cry out.  that's what makes your heart beat slow. If you would like to live this way, you will do it alone. It's your decision, since you're the only person allowed to make them.

MY NAME IS AVA

Gripping the warm mug was my only solace.  A long weekend with no plans of my own. My heart was pained and I had caused it -or at least allowed it-and now I sipped.  The only warmth in my chest came from hot cocoa doused with caramel –like the color of his skin.  I was alone and it hurt. It wasn’t good but it was best.  The best I had done wasn’t good enough at least in one person’s eyes.  Or were those eyes mine?  I still get confused because my emotions are in such disarray.  I guess they always had been but somehow unrecognized by me.  Did he know? And who cares? Why am I asking.  It wouldn’t change him or me.  And I should hope that it wouldn’t. As I said before, this is best I could do.  Another sip didn’t turn off the faucet of coldness I felt in my veins pumping ice to my heart. Voided with a step out of the door. Voided with his hand in hers. Canceled out with the passionate kiss they shared. Controlled by the absolute collapse of us.  Taken over by the absolute collapse of me. I took another sip and this time is fueled me as a hug from a friend would.  A knowing look in the eyes of someone that cared to simply be there.  A gentle nudge to jump boldly back into life. Or at least creep quietly into the next day.  It filled with the sun and emptied with the moon, my heart that is.  As night fell so did I.  Onto the floor with sobs like a toddler. Dying with each tear. Screaming with each shake of my shoulders. No one heard me but they saw.  The beauty in my eyes turned into gray circles beneath them.  The confident walk no more. A wilted neck with my head rising only to appear awake. The internal beat of my heart barely audible and I couldn’t feel it. Gripping my mug with all my strength, sobbing with any energy I had left, head hung to the lowest it’s ever been as I listened to the voice mail again and again. “Be ready for me Tiffany, we have 3 days for just you and me. I love you.”   

A BRISK WALK

I walked briskly down the Avenue.  I wanted to get there before she did. The wind was blowing ferociously and whipping my freshly curled locks all around.  I hated when that happened.  I needed my hair, and everything else, to look exactly the same way it had when I last looked into the mirror.  Frizzed curls and hair stuck to thickly applied lip gloss was not going to help me win.   I’d said it as if it were some sort of challenge, a game.  And he was the prize.   He was a beautiful, muscular, chivalrous, generous hard-bodied prize. I was overdue for the “number one” spot .  The last time I’d won anything I was 9-years old and spelled “meticulous” correctly.   Well, there was the $5 scratch off when I was 18.  But hell I’d spend it exactly where I’d won it at the liquor store.  On a pack of cigarettes, gum and 8 blow pops. Later my friends and I walked throughout the neighborhood lighting up and being “cool”.   My friends and I thought we were grown and tempted our legality often.  Being 18 was fun but now I was older.  Out of my teens a month ago, I was twenty now and much more mature.  I’d been through a few things.  I’d seen a lot more.  I knew that men couldn’t be trusted and women could be trusted even less.  I had a 20-hour a week job, was enrolled in college-12 credits!  I had a lot on my plate!  I truly didn’t have time to deal with this mess but I wasn’t about to let HER have anything that I wanted.  He wanted me too.  He’d spent every night with me last week didn’t he? Plus I knew him more than she did.  He was only using her because she was easy. You know, a loose girl.  Probably anyone who showed her enough attention could get her to do anything he wanted.  A shame.  She should be ashamed. Didn’t she have parents? WOW.  How embarrassing.   But she didn’t seem to care. I mean I respect myself way too much to behave the way she does.  That’s why I had to show up. And let her know she can’t and won’t have him.   She was silly to think he would choose her over me... 

ONE MORE TIME

If I could do it all over again I would love you after I loved me and then love you again.  I would love you hard and love you perfectly.  If I could start over I would know what I want from you and I would tell you to give it to me.  If I had another chance to love you, I would.  If the opportunity came along, I would praise God for our love.   And I would pray that we would always be.  I would already know that we were in God’s plan.  But because I can’t do it all over again, I’ll remember my love for you, love that I didn’t have for myself.  Because I am not able to start over, I can only love the memory of us, if only the good parts of us. Because I don’t have another chance to be with you, I will try to forget all the good parts of us that I just can’t forget.  Since another opportunity for us won’t come along, I will thank God that I had you for a season and praise Him that my heart still beats even when I didn’t follow HIS plan for us.  I will pray now that His plan for me isn’t to be alone because without you that’s all I am.

BLACK TEARS

I knew it was a bad day when I stopped wanting make up. I didn't want ANYTHING.  I reviewed my wish list and added nothing.  I had nothing colorful left inside of me. Gray-ish black shades covered my lids with smokey shadows over my heart. The blackest liner only intensified the sadness in my eyes. Muted lip colour washed out my smile. No blush on the apples of my cheeks as they would never rise. A gloss-less frown wouldn't dare shimmer in the sunlight. Dark contour accentuated the sunken hollows of my cheeks. I knew it was a rough day when I couldn't stand up straight. I couldn't look anyone in the eye.  I couldn't even look in the mirror for a final dusting of finishing powder.  Nothing was finished and everything undone. I unraveled and sat bare in my make-up.  As tears streamed down my face, I finally had one thing to add to my wish list: mascara.  It should have been waterproof.

JUMPING OUT THE WINDOW

I don't love you right now.  maybe I will again...maybe.  This is your fault.  I'm not playing the blame game.  I am responsible for my decisions and my happiness. But you have pushed ME to the limit.  You used my love for personal, selfish reasons.  You made your pain my pain and how would I know when all I feel is hurt?  burdens that aren't mine.  tears the fall without reason.  anger which singes the edges of my heart.  Sobs heavy on my shoulders and in my chest scream, WHY? but I don't understand it.  I was losing it all and you laughed.  You enjoyed it but I don't know how you could.  Evil. "Misery loves company" is tattooed on your heart.  If I fail then you won't be the only one they laugh at. But if I fail you fail, TWICE.  Catch 22?  Not for you. Complete control of me helped you balance your guilt and pleasure.  But now I can see you. And now I learn to be me.  My life plays before me.  I can see it clearly -past present and future. In the past, I could only see through your eyes and would feel extreme pain because I was only looking at you. Your downfall fresh in your mind. Your unforgiven mistakes. Your neon bright regrets all reaching for my innocence. Presently, I see through your eyes but now I am looking at me.  AND I AM DISGUSTED by the sight. The way you see me, use me, taunt me, abuse me then discard me.  I have seen enough and refuse to look again.  Celebrating my own eyes, I see me.  Bruised and busted.  Torn and scraped -but bandaged.  I WILL heal and so will my heart.  And it too will see love that it has never known.  I almost hate you for this battle and I almost love you for my breakthrough.  Trusting HIM got me here and will always keep me.  So in the future I am #jumpingoutthewindow.  I'm loving all of me all the time.

THE TRUTH HURTS

When are you going to let go? Holding on to what hurts like a vintage Fendi clutch.  Worshipping it's power as if it was your god.  Illuminating its presence with negative words and vile actions.  You are flawed so fix it.  You know the truth but you pretend I'm the lie.  Typical for me to love you anyway. Or maybe I am the selfish one. Holding on to what doesn't want to be held.  Helping what can't be helped.  Forgive me as I attempt to turn the other cheek.  I'm now asking when am I going to let go of me the lie and you the truth.  It definitely hurts.

MY HEART DANCES

My heart dances.  It literally dances in my chest.   Looking at him fills me to the very top.  I love him so much.  Everything about him.  His walk. Confident but not arrogant.  His eyes….black pearls and so very beautiful.   When he looks at me I know he can see everything.   He knows me. ME.  Completes my thoughts when I haven’t yet spoken.  When he holds me.   An extinguisher couldn’t put out that fire.   His hands are strong for me.  Soft on me.  I love him and I can’t stop.  I hope I don’t have to.  Because I won’t be able to.  What I feel for him is deeper than anything I have ever felt.  A connection so solid and real.  We feel. Together.  Indescribable.  Something no one could ever explain.  You can’t be told of love.  You can only experience this.  LOVE.   I am in awe of it.  I thank GOD for it. Because without HIS love, this would not exist.  Only GOD given.  For me. To me.  For us.  I'm in love.

MIRRORS DON'T LIE

I don’t have to be who you want me to be.  I am myself.  And I don’t understand your problem with that.  You want to hurt me. You want me to suffer. You want to see me unravel and broken-spirited.  You want me to be unhappy and unfulfilled. Why is this?  Try taking a look in the mirror.  Write down what you see.  You’re ashamed.  You’re surprised.  You are in tears.  Cry for what you have grown to hate about what you see. Cry for the sadness that dwells in your heart.  Scream out for that young child hurt and alone and Stop. Picking. On. Me.  Stop trying to turn me into that hurt child. Stop tearing at my self-esteem so it will match yours.  Stop hating me because of who you are not.  Life wasn’t fair to you so you won’t be fair to it.  You won’t heal. You won’t feel better. You won’t prosper.  You won’t love.   However, you will wonder what happiness tastes like.   You will long for an unbroken heart. You will desire after fearless nights and joy –filled days.  You will never break me. You will never make me into who you are.  I am stronger. No apologies.  I am wiser through no fault of yours.  I was here when no one else was.  And now I am gone just like everyone else.   

DEATH OF ME

I love you but I can’t tell you how much.  It’s my secret.  You’re not mine.  I love you more than myself and I know that’s toxic. But without you is like poison to my body. Is there a difference?  I feel like I would die. If you weren’t here with me. I feel like life would be misery and torment.  Hell on earth.  Without you. No eating no sleeping barely breathing.  Should I try? Try to give you away? Back to her?  How could I betray myself? Physically aching to touch you. How can I possibly willingly let go of my love?   I would rather risk the pain of never being us just to have you as long as I can. As long as you decide I am worthy.  I’ve made you my god and discarded my faith. Only for you to kiss me one more time.  Only for you to tell me good bye.  Simply for the nothing I am left with.  It’s ok. I will die after you’re gone. So I won’t feel a thing.  In reality, I am already dead.

TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT ME

unwillingly i ran to the window because i had to watch my misery up close. i didn't know it would shock the breath from my lungs as it had. he left without a word. only a look that i had read on his face many times before. a look that conveyed love lost and none returned. surely my true heart could recognize a false one so there must be an alternate ending. that's the reason i had to watch. i had to see something different in his eyes than what was there before the door slammed and he walked out of my life. i became lightheaded from holding my breath and finally let out a deep sigh. he looked down at his hands. he was texting or dialing from his cell. i quickly glanced at my phone sitting on the coffee table, non-vibrating and without sound. did he change his mind? why doesn't he just come back to the front door? he knows. he KNOWS I'll let him in. All the way back in. the lights flashed across his face which showed a blank and emotionless expression. not once looking back toward me as I peeked through the window. he smiled wide with a small laugh. the headlights paused. she unlocked the doors he jumped in the passenger seat they drove off. together. i said good-bye to my heart.

BROKEN

He is magnificent. beautiful too. I love everything about him. when i see him butterflies kiss and flowers bloom. he is everything to me. His lips are kissable. his arms are my shield. they wrap me up in forever. To get lost in his eyes is to dream raw perfection. essential. broad shouldered protection. sexy swag unintended. loving him is obvious. loving us is amazing. giving up the fantasy that we are not is the tortureous death of my heart. i ache for what isn’t and long for what can never be. ripped open by reality i lay bare chested mournfully so. wondering how my life existed prior to his existence and how my heart will endure without. his.

FRENEMIES

I am disappointed. Disappointed that you have been false in my life. Disappointed that I couldn’t see the truth that was there staring me in my heart. I wonder why it took so many years for me to accept that you are not good for me.

I’ve had several toxic relationships. Eventually, I had to look inside of myself and determine that it is not always the other person. This is not to illustrate that others shouldn’t be held accountable for awful behavior. We are ALL responsible for our actions. Still, if I am aware of such behavior and allow it, it may continue. Some folk in my life have truly loved me. Loved me enough NOT to take advantage of me and to be a true to that continually. And some were only fair-weather friends. It happens to the best of us. It’s our job to determine the difference amongst those and the former and know when to let go and move on. But when you are hurting you will attract others who are hurting as well. Not everyone deals with pain similarly nor are they aware that their pain has been dumped upon others.

Some know and selfishly feed themselves without regard to so-called friends. Some realize it later and attempt change. Others are so pained that they know no other way to exist. If they admit that their pain is deep and another person’s pain is not as deep or even non-existent (at least in appearance to that person), then the question “why me” can overpower the psyche. This feeling lends to self-pity, jealousy, hatred toward others which can manifest with false and bad actions -many times to persons who are closest in relation. Don’t fall victim to victimization. To coddle, protect or nurture such a person is the WRONG ANSWER to this problem.

In trying to protect a friend(s) I am guilty of just that. You also have to be careful and listen to God’s instruction. Every challenge is not for you to overcome. There are lessons in letting go, walking away and not clinging to the past. This is a very real and hard lesson learn. At the end of the day, you must take care of yourself, attempt to love yourself the way GOD loves you, and push forward ALWAYS for the constant betterment of self. For me, this means getting rid of all the bad energy around me. You never know how greatly this difficult act may affect positive change in another. Do it without malice and with love. No love lost-as they say-just move on to the next chapter and celebrate the ride-because you may not be able to enjoy the ride until it’s over.