stay tuned....

what I write is what comes to mind.  raw. uncensored. riddle-like at times.  Major dissonance.  no matching socks on this site.  what appears as unedited is purposeful.  meaningful. and it touches me.  no real rules only real words.

thanks for reading.

cheater

what i feel deep inside of me...it's too real.  I feel it's strength building with every moment passed.  I feel it's power surrounding my spirit.  Like that of a fetus growing inside of it's mothers womb, it is stretching me into discomfort. pulling at my skin to take notice of it.  Stronger than the kicks of the baby's tiny feet, i can see the bruise you left on me.  I don't want to know. I don't want it to be true. I want what is fair and what I deserve not your selfish, indulgent ways. and definitely not the consequences of your thoughtless action. Stinging eyes, blurred vision, weak limbs, exhausted being.  My instinct has won. It beat me once again.  That's how I found out and now I will never forget.

it reads like i Feel

i used to think that if I wanted it I could have it.  Mainly because of where I've been and what I've seen.  I won't invalidate my experiences by commenting that it could have been worse.  It was "worse" to me.  It is MY past, present and future. period.  Realizing that i had more power than i was aware of rips my heart to shreds.  Knowing that I had ultimate control and gave it away makes my soul shiver.  I was so unaware of so many things.  Some people call it naivete.  But something was stolen from me or never given to me in the beginning.  Early on when my character and personality was shaped.  Many misses  many heartaches before i knew what heartache was.  I used to be able to remove the excuses.  I was stronger -which I attribute to ignorant bliss- and able to look ahead of any disappointment.  Pulling myself along out of the quicksand and into the sky.  I was so proud of that. proud to be resilient. confident in winning.  what happened to me...

mumbo jumbo...

turmoil brings out the best words.  at times, it can also silence them.  a gift and a curse.  I never quite understood the meaning until recently.  A gift that can be shared and give/bring joy to ourselves and others.  the curse is the pain and suffering that must be endured to bring about joy.  Not sure it's worth it.  Right now at this moment, I can't be sure that the outcome will be as sweet because I may not be the same after THIS is over.  After this storm, once the page turns, when the story ends, when I grow up.   Be still they said. Wait and be silent. Be aggressive. Don't hold back.  GO for it.  Contradictory statements to me.  But anything is better than the in between.  Like purgatory.  What have I committed in the past life?  It couldn't have been THAT bad.  Perception is everything.  Another concept I have come to understand.  I don't know how to change what is.  Just because I say it isn't doesn't make it different.  I wonder if anyone can understand this mumbo jumbo besides me?  Question of the year.    

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.

you get to have it all?  all the fun.  you get to make all the decisions.  you are the only one that gets to laugh.  I wanted to share them with you. those things. those special times. those moments in which life happens.  but that's not your story is it?  not your plan.  your plan is to stop the pain by any means, at any cost.  your plan is to hide out in the open. feigning strength.  pretending to care.  but you are fooling no one. not even yourself.  that's why you cry out.  that's what makes your heart beat slow. If you would like to live this way, you will do it alone. It's your decision, since you're the only person allowed to make them.

MY NAME IS AVA

Gripping the warm mug was my only solace.  A long weekend with no plans of my own. My heart was pained and I had caused it -or at least allowed it-and now I sipped.  The only warmth in my chest came from hot cocoa doused with caramel –like the color of his skin.  I was alone and it hurt. It wasn’t good but it was best.  The best I had done wasn’t good enough at least in one person’s eyes.  Or were those eyes mine?  I still get confused because my emotions are in such disarray.  I guess they always had been but somehow unrecognized by me.  Did he know? And who cares? Why am I asking.  It wouldn’t change him or me.  And I should hope that it wouldn’t. As I said before, this is best I could do.  Another sip didn’t turn off the faucet of coldness I felt in my veins pumping ice to my heart. Voided with a step out of the door. Voided with his hand in hers. Canceled out with the passionate kiss they shared. Controlled by the absolute collapse of us.  Taken over by the absolute collapse of me. I took another sip and this time is fueled me as a hug from a friend would.  A knowing look in the eyes of someone that cared to simply be there.  A gentle nudge to jump boldly back into life. Or at least creep quietly into the next day.  It filled with the sun and emptied with the moon, my heart that is.  As night fell so did I.  Onto the floor with sobs like a toddler. Dying with each tear. Screaming with each shake of my shoulders. No one heard me but they saw.  The beauty in my eyes turned into gray circles beneath them.  The confident walk no more. A wilted neck with my head rising only to appear awake. The internal beat of my heart barely audible and I couldn’t feel it. Gripping my mug with all my strength, sobbing with any energy I had left, head hung to the lowest it’s ever been as I listened to the voice mail again and again. “Be ready for me Tiffany, we have 3 days for just you and me. I love you.”   

A BRISK WALK

I walked briskly down the Avenue.  I wanted to get there before she did. The wind was blowing ferociously and whipping my freshly curled locks all around.  I hated when that happened.  I needed my hair, and everything else, to look exactly the same way it had when I last looked into the mirror.  Frizzed curls and hair stuck to thickly applied lip gloss was not going to help me win.   I’d said it as if it were some sort of challenge, a game.  And he was the prize.   He was a beautiful, muscular, chivalrous, generous hard-bodied prize. I was overdue for the “number one” spot .  The last time I’d won anything I was 9-years old and spelled “meticulous” correctly.   Well, there was the $5 scratch off when I was 18.  But hell I’d spend it exactly where I’d won it at the liquor store.  On a pack of cigarettes, gum and 8 blow pops. Later my friends and I walked throughout the neighborhood lighting up and being “cool”.   My friends and I thought we were grown and tempted our legality often.  Being 18 was fun but now I was older.  Out of my teens a month ago, I was twenty now and much more mature.  I’d been through a few things.  I’d seen a lot more.  I knew that men couldn’t be trusted and women could be trusted even less.  I had a 20-hour a week job, was enrolled in college-12 credits!  I had a lot on my plate!  I truly didn’t have time to deal with this mess but I wasn’t about to let HER have anything that I wanted.  He wanted me too.  He’d spent every night with me last week didn’t he? Plus I knew him more than she did.  He was only using her because she was easy. You know, a loose girl.  Probably anyone who showed her enough attention could get her to do anything he wanted.  A shame.  She should be ashamed. Didn’t she have parents? WOW.  How embarrassing.   But she didn’t seem to care. I mean I respect myself way too much to behave the way she does.  That’s why I had to show up. And let her know she can’t and won’t have him.   She was silly to think he would choose her over me...