I THINK I CAN

If you made plans to sacrifice and you've sacrificed....and more obstacles came your way- making life even more difficult....oh well.  PUSH.  You have no choice. Rev Run tweeted yesterday: you have to be committed to making life work.  DAMN.  That was my immediate response.  Because I feel I am as committed as I can be....but there is always more to do, different choices to make, new goals to set, a greater plan to devise.  Being committed means not giving up.  When things are hard and they get harder, often times- based on our character- we can find, muster the strength to push forward, regain control and work for the success we want.  It's when things become unfairly difficult that we question our actions in regard to trying.  Unfair.  Where did this word come from. When circumstances are out of your control. Unfair.  When those circumstances affect your progress. Unfair.  When you followed the rules, created the opportunities, moved from your comfort zone, bit off more than you could chew (and kept chewing) and were fair to others and you were treated unfairly.  Kicked while your were down, taken advantage of, lied to, abused...Unfair?!  Oh well. Life won't stop nor wait for you to get over it.  This is the truth.  When you have no one to help you and it is JUST YOU. It will still be unfair. Ultimately, you will need to correct for what has happened to you. YOU. These are the cards your were dealt...it's your choice to win with them.  If there is no option to fail...then you won't. However, you may find yourself re-defining the meaning of winning.  #letswin #letgoletGOD

P.S.  this is still some bullsh** *angry face* uuuggggghhhhhh.

GOODBYE

when i say im going through some things, that means im stuck in quicksand and i am drowning.  you cant see that?  when i sit in silence with my eyes open, it means that i am crying out for help, why can't you hear me?  if i am late for lunch and rush in smiling with my mouth and not my eyes, you should see that.  when our plans are abruptly cancelled and i do not reschedule its because defeat has weighed me down like a ton of bricks. you should come get me. when you tell me to try and i retreat into myself its because terror looks back at me in the mirror.  didn't you see the reflection?  when you don't hear my voice, see my tears, sense my distress or see the complete destruction of me...it means you finally showed up and touched my cold hands....and if you still don't understand, you should read my note.

...THIS MOMENT...

Sometimes I sit still, thinking of you.  And I am smiling when I don't realize it.  I'm remembering your eyes as they searched mine for the same wish...us.  As if by design, we laughed together at unspoken words.  However,  the butterflies in the center of my being and your anxiousness to kiss me spoke a thousand love languages.  Excitement and fear filled the small space between us and we are closer than we have ever been.  I try at a a sexy pout but on the way, get lost in yours.  It's so difficult to take my eyes away from your beautiful lips and when I do, I am again lost in your eyes.  Keeping my distance from you seems impossible and I reach for you.  Unable to resist, I intertwine our fingers intamitely.  The butterflies multiply and create a new dance inside of me. The space which is left between us becomes dangerously urgent.  Finding our hands no longer an acceptable distraction, I look up and see you staring at me.  I melt. Into you. Warmth. Love. Everlasting. Timeless. Exact and indestructible.  And it feels incredible.

ASHES

still inspired by nothing i found my way to the fireplace and stared into it.  the flames fought for attention like my thoughts. one jumping in front of the other in an attempt to establish power.  worried about everything, I wished the fire could burn the memories from my brain.  too many things happened. Too many things gone wrong in the past. i hung my head and felt the heat of the flames on my scalp.  maybe it could work. maybe i would singe all the negative hopeless pieces into ashes.  Then i could brush them away. dusting my hands in a dismissive good riddance rhyme.   the sounds of my hands moving against each other meant it was over.  and i could start over. except for the dismaying fact that I, indeed, had to let go. pulling my hands apart seemed impossible. not looking away from them, tightly clasped, concluded the obvious.  that i rather enjoy the misery of endless consideration for what should be left in the dust.

stay tuned....

what I write is what comes to mind.  raw. uncensored. riddle-like at times.  Major dissonance.  no matching socks on this site.  what appears as unedited is purposeful.  meaningful. and it touches me.  no real rules only real words.

thanks for reading.

cheater

what i feel deep inside of me...it's too real.  I feel it's strength building with every moment passed.  I feel it's power surrounding my spirit.  Like that of a fetus growing inside of it's mothers womb, it is stretching me into discomfort. pulling at my skin to take notice of it.  Stronger than the kicks of the baby's tiny feet, i can see the bruise you left on me.  I don't want to know. I don't want it to be true. I want what is fair and what I deserve not your selfish, indulgent ways. and definitely not the consequences of your thoughtless action. Stinging eyes, blurred vision, weak limbs, exhausted being.  My instinct has won. It beat me once again.  That's how I found out and now I will never forget.

it reads like i Feel

i used to think that if I wanted it I could have it.  Mainly because of where I've been and what I've seen.  I won't invalidate my experiences by commenting that it could have been worse.  It was "worse" to me.  It is MY past, present and future. period.  Realizing that i had more power than i was aware of rips my heart to shreds.  Knowing that I had ultimate control and gave it away makes my soul shiver.  I was so unaware of so many things.  Some people call it naivete.  But something was stolen from me or never given to me in the beginning.  Early on when my character and personality was shaped.  Many misses  many heartaches before i knew what heartache was.  I used to be able to remove the excuses.  I was stronger -which I attribute to ignorant bliss- and able to look ahead of any disappointment.  Pulling myself along out of the quicksand and into the sky.  I was so proud of that. proud to be resilient. confident in winning.  what happened to me...