BLACK TEARS

I knew it was a bad day when I stopped wanting make up. I didn't want ANYTHING.  I reviewed my wish list and added nothing.  I had nothing colorful left inside of me. Gray-ish black shades covered my lids with smokey shadows over my heart. The blackest liner only intensified the sadness in my eyes. Muted lip colour washed out my smile. No blush on the apples of my cheeks as they would never rise. A gloss-less frown wouldn't dare shimmer in the sunlight. Dark contour accentuated the sunken hollows of my cheeks. I knew it was a rough day when I couldn't stand up straight. I couldn't look anyone in the eye.  I couldn't even look in the mirror for a final dusting of finishing powder.  Nothing was finished and everything undone. I unraveled and sat bare in my make-up.  As tears streamed down my face, I finally had one thing to add to my wish list: mascara.  It should have been waterproof.

JUMPING OUT THE WINDOW

I don't love you right now.  maybe I will again...maybe.  This is your fault.  I'm not playing the blame game.  I am responsible for my decisions and my happiness. But you have pushed ME to the limit.  You used my love for personal, selfish reasons.  You made your pain my pain and how would I know when all I feel is hurt?  burdens that aren't mine.  tears the fall without reason.  anger which singes the edges of my heart.  Sobs heavy on my shoulders and in my chest scream, WHY? but I don't understand it.  I was losing it all and you laughed.  You enjoyed it but I don't know how you could.  Evil. "Misery loves company" is tattooed on your heart.  If I fail then you won't be the only one they laugh at. But if I fail you fail, TWICE.  Catch 22?  Not for you. Complete control of me helped you balance your guilt and pleasure.  But now I can see you. And now I learn to be me.  My life plays before me.  I can see it clearly -past present and future. In the past, I could only see through your eyes and would feel extreme pain because I was only looking at you. Your downfall fresh in your mind. Your unforgiven mistakes. Your neon bright regrets all reaching for my innocence. Presently, I see through your eyes but now I am looking at me.  AND I AM DISGUSTED by the sight. The way you see me, use me, taunt me, abuse me then discard me.  I have seen enough and refuse to look again.  Celebrating my own eyes, I see me.  Bruised and busted.  Torn and scraped -but bandaged.  I WILL heal and so will my heart.  And it too will see love that it has never known.  I almost hate you for this battle and I almost love you for my breakthrough.  Trusting HIM got me here and will always keep me.  So in the future I am #jumpingoutthewindow.  I'm loving all of me all the time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011 :)

Well we made it.  MADE it into a new year.  2010 is now over and I can say it has been choc-full of events happy sad good and bad. Still, the blessings flow to me from GOD.  I am thankful, grateful, and poised for what's to come.  Unexpected but solicited advice has me in a new place. A new frame of mind.  Well not so much new as no longer dormant.  The new year means new things!  For some, it's just another year.  For me, it's another chance to be fabulous. To be great. To try and to succeed.  Whatever comes along with that is dealt with accordingly.  Of course, one may evolve throughout the year.  Anytime, anyplace.  But there is something fresh about January 1st.  It offers something January 2nd can't.  On January 2nd, the past begins but Jan 1st you can start again.  Mistakes, miscalculations and errors are history.  A part of the legacy of YOU.  I feel like mistakes made in 2010 are corrected in 2010.  They are addressed (or not) and consequences, results and responses are true and real in 2010. BUT in 2011, they are all in the past.  It's been done, dealt with and dismissed.  Any residual effects are now opportunities to grow or forget.  You choose. You decide. You LIVE.  Spinning wheels, guessing at life or wishing for what isn't BECOMES anything possible.  Your strength is again determined on January 1st . Your zest for life is renewed on January 1st. Your sorrows are thrown away at midnight.  It is beautiful -at least for that day.  Reality is now on January 1st.  So do it right.  Make great choices and have better follow through.  Love differently. Heal. Be better. Be the best.

THE TRUTH HURTS

When are you going to let go? Holding on to what hurts like a vintage Fendi clutch.  Worshipping it's power as if it was your god.  Illuminating its presence with negative words and vile actions.  You are flawed so fix it.  You know the truth but you pretend I'm the lie.  Typical for me to love you anyway. Or maybe I am the selfish one. Holding on to what doesn't want to be held.  Helping what can't be helped.  Forgive me as I attempt to turn the other cheek.  I'm now asking when am I going to let go of me the lie and you the truth.  It definitely hurts.

MY HEART DANCES

My heart dances.  It literally dances in my chest.   Looking at him fills me to the very top.  I love him so much.  Everything about him.  His walk. Confident but not arrogant.  His eyes….black pearls and so very beautiful.   When he looks at me I know he can see everything.   He knows me. ME.  Completes my thoughts when I haven’t yet spoken.  When he holds me.   An extinguisher couldn’t put out that fire.   His hands are strong for me.  Soft on me.  I love him and I can’t stop.  I hope I don’t have to.  Because I won’t be able to.  What I feel for him is deeper than anything I have ever felt.  A connection so solid and real.  We feel. Together.  Indescribable.  Something no one could ever explain.  You can’t be told of love.  You can only experience this.  LOVE.   I am in awe of it.  I thank GOD for it. Because without HIS love, this would not exist.  Only GOD given.  For me. To me.  For us.  I'm in love.

SHE LIVED WITH SAD EYES

Sad lips and sad words.  But only because of the sad heart which sat unhealed inside of her chest.  Decidedly unable to overcome what circumstances had created, a world became, and only for her.  But no one was there. No one she could be vulnerable to nor anyone who she could love. Only hangers on, haters and false ones.  People who would never see her point of view. Those who would always disagree.  Those who would consistently disappoint.  And it served a purpose.  No tug at a sad heart. No risk of   caring. No reason to question motives. Tears met her fingertips but to her they were tears of a stranger.  There was no crying in this world.  Anonymous screams and silent begging would never make it inside this world.  Neither would joy, smiles, or the warm tingle of excitement.  Is the pain worth the pain? In the name of living...or dying. 

(I'M LOOKING) DIRECTLY AT YOU

I saw you quiet and subdued.  But I didn't know why.  Beauty struck me and I thought you knew.  Others knew. A tease of sorts.  A game player.  Someone to seek but not to catch.  But inside you were more than humble.  understated love for self.  Overstated for others.  Love never found you, not even with me.  What I thought I could handle no longer intrigued me.  But annoyed me. The potential of you was now lost in the world. You ignorant to its whereabouts. Which is another reason why I promised to let go all thoughts of you. Unable to unravel the mystery of your mind. Actions seemingly contradictory.  I can't waste time on you when they are available, eager, tender, ready.  No one could match your heart but then again it would never be mine so how would I know.