WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.

you get to have it all?  all the fun.  you get to make all the decisions.  you are the only one that gets to laugh.  I wanted to share them with you. those things. those special times. those moments in which life happens.  but that's not your story is it?  not your plan.  your plan is to stop the pain by any means, at any cost.  your plan is to hide out in the open. feigning strength.  pretending to care.  but you are fooling no one. not even yourself.  that's why you cry out.  that's what makes your heart beat slow. If you would like to live this way, you will do it alone. It's your decision, since you're the only person allowed to make them.

MY NAME IS AVA

Gripping the warm mug was my only solace.  A long weekend with no plans of my own. My heart was pained and I had caused it -or at least allowed it-and now I sipped.  The only warmth in my chest came from hot cocoa doused with caramel –like the color of his skin.  I was alone and it hurt. It wasn’t good but it was best.  The best I had done wasn’t good enough at least in one person’s eyes.  Or were those eyes mine?  I still get confused because my emotions are in such disarray.  I guess they always had been but somehow unrecognized by me.  Did he know? And who cares? Why am I asking.  It wouldn’t change him or me.  And I should hope that it wouldn’t. As I said before, this is best I could do.  Another sip didn’t turn off the faucet of coldness I felt in my veins pumping ice to my heart. Voided with a step out of the door. Voided with his hand in hers. Canceled out with the passionate kiss they shared. Controlled by the absolute collapse of us.  Taken over by the absolute collapse of me. I took another sip and this time is fueled me as a hug from a friend would.  A knowing look in the eyes of someone that cared to simply be there.  A gentle nudge to jump boldly back into life. Or at least creep quietly into the next day.  It filled with the sun and emptied with the moon, my heart that is.  As night fell so did I.  Onto the floor with sobs like a toddler. Dying with each tear. Screaming with each shake of my shoulders. No one heard me but they saw.  The beauty in my eyes turned into gray circles beneath them.  The confident walk no more. A wilted neck with my head rising only to appear awake. The internal beat of my heart barely audible and I couldn’t feel it. Gripping my mug with all my strength, sobbing with any energy I had left, head hung to the lowest it’s ever been as I listened to the voice mail again and again. “Be ready for me Tiffany, we have 3 days for just you and me. I love you.”   

A BRISK WALK

I walked briskly down the Avenue.  I wanted to get there before she did. The wind was blowing ferociously and whipping my freshly curled locks all around.  I hated when that happened.  I needed my hair, and everything else, to look exactly the same way it had when I last looked into the mirror.  Frizzed curls and hair stuck to thickly applied lip gloss was not going to help me win.   I’d said it as if it were some sort of challenge, a game.  And he was the prize.   He was a beautiful, muscular, chivalrous, generous hard-bodied prize. I was overdue for the “number one” spot .  The last time I’d won anything I was 9-years old and spelled “meticulous” correctly.   Well, there was the $5 scratch off when I was 18.  But hell I’d spend it exactly where I’d won it at the liquor store.  On a pack of cigarettes, gum and 8 blow pops. Later my friends and I walked throughout the neighborhood lighting up and being “cool”.   My friends and I thought we were grown and tempted our legality often.  Being 18 was fun but now I was older.  Out of my teens a month ago, I was twenty now and much more mature.  I’d been through a few things.  I’d seen a lot more.  I knew that men couldn’t be trusted and women could be trusted even less.  I had a 20-hour a week job, was enrolled in college-12 credits!  I had a lot on my plate!  I truly didn’t have time to deal with this mess but I wasn’t about to let HER have anything that I wanted.  He wanted me too.  He’d spent every night with me last week didn’t he? Plus I knew him more than she did.  He was only using her because she was easy. You know, a loose girl.  Probably anyone who showed her enough attention could get her to do anything he wanted.  A shame.  She should be ashamed. Didn’t she have parents? WOW.  How embarrassing.   But she didn’t seem to care. I mean I respect myself way too much to behave the way she does.  That’s why I had to show up. And let her know she can’t and won’t have him.   She was silly to think he would choose her over me... 

ONE MORE TIME

If I could do it all over again I would love you after I loved me and then love you again.  I would love you hard and love you perfectly.  If I could start over I would know what I want from you and I would tell you to give it to me.  If I had another chance to love you, I would.  If the opportunity came along, I would praise God for our love.   And I would pray that we would always be.  I would already know that we were in God’s plan.  But because I can’t do it all over again, I’ll remember my love for you, love that I didn’t have for myself.  Because I am not able to start over, I can only love the memory of us, if only the good parts of us. Because I don’t have another chance to be with you, I will try to forget all the good parts of us that I just can’t forget.  Since another opportunity for us won’t come along, I will thank God that I had you for a season and praise Him that my heart still beats even when I didn’t follow HIS plan for us.  I will pray now that His plan for me isn’t to be alone because without you that’s all I am.

BLACK TEARS

I knew it was a bad day when I stopped wanting make up. I didn't want ANYTHING.  I reviewed my wish list and added nothing.  I had nothing colorful left inside of me. Gray-ish black shades covered my lids with smokey shadows over my heart. The blackest liner only intensified the sadness in my eyes. Muted lip colour washed out my smile. No blush on the apples of my cheeks as they would never rise. A gloss-less frown wouldn't dare shimmer in the sunlight. Dark contour accentuated the sunken hollows of my cheeks. I knew it was a rough day when I couldn't stand up straight. I couldn't look anyone in the eye.  I couldn't even look in the mirror for a final dusting of finishing powder.  Nothing was finished and everything undone. I unraveled and sat bare in my make-up.  As tears streamed down my face, I finally had one thing to add to my wish list: mascara.  It should have been waterproof.

JUMPING OUT THE WINDOW

I don't love you right now.  maybe I will again...maybe.  This is your fault.  I'm not playing the blame game.  I am responsible for my decisions and my happiness. But you have pushed ME to the limit.  You used my love for personal, selfish reasons.  You made your pain my pain and how would I know when all I feel is hurt?  burdens that aren't mine.  tears the fall without reason.  anger which singes the edges of my heart.  Sobs heavy on my shoulders and in my chest scream, WHY? but I don't understand it.  I was losing it all and you laughed.  You enjoyed it but I don't know how you could.  Evil. "Misery loves company" is tattooed on your heart.  If I fail then you won't be the only one they laugh at. But if I fail you fail, TWICE.  Catch 22?  Not for you. Complete control of me helped you balance your guilt and pleasure.  But now I can see you. And now I learn to be me.  My life plays before me.  I can see it clearly -past present and future. In the past, I could only see through your eyes and would feel extreme pain because I was only looking at you. Your downfall fresh in your mind. Your unforgiven mistakes. Your neon bright regrets all reaching for my innocence. Presently, I see through your eyes but now I am looking at me.  AND I AM DISGUSTED by the sight. The way you see me, use me, taunt me, abuse me then discard me.  I have seen enough and refuse to look again.  Celebrating my own eyes, I see me.  Bruised and busted.  Torn and scraped -but bandaged.  I WILL heal and so will my heart.  And it too will see love that it has never known.  I almost hate you for this battle and I almost love you for my breakthrough.  Trusting HIM got me here and will always keep me.  So in the future I am #jumpingoutthewindow.  I'm loving all of me all the time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011 :)

Well we made it.  MADE it into a new year.  2010 is now over and I can say it has been choc-full of events happy sad good and bad. Still, the blessings flow to me from GOD.  I am thankful, grateful, and poised for what's to come.  Unexpected but solicited advice has me in a new place. A new frame of mind.  Well not so much new as no longer dormant.  The new year means new things!  For some, it's just another year.  For me, it's another chance to be fabulous. To be great. To try and to succeed.  Whatever comes along with that is dealt with accordingly.  Of course, one may evolve throughout the year.  Anytime, anyplace.  But there is something fresh about January 1st.  It offers something January 2nd can't.  On January 2nd, the past begins but Jan 1st you can start again.  Mistakes, miscalculations and errors are history.  A part of the legacy of YOU.  I feel like mistakes made in 2010 are corrected in 2010.  They are addressed (or not) and consequences, results and responses are true and real in 2010. BUT in 2011, they are all in the past.  It's been done, dealt with and dismissed.  Any residual effects are now opportunities to grow or forget.  You choose. You decide. You LIVE.  Spinning wheels, guessing at life or wishing for what isn't BECOMES anything possible.  Your strength is again determined on January 1st . Your zest for life is renewed on January 1st. Your sorrows are thrown away at midnight.  It is beautiful -at least for that day.  Reality is now on January 1st.  So do it right.  Make great choices and have better follow through.  Love differently. Heal. Be better. Be the best.