Wednesday, April 20, 2011
i used to think that if I wanted it I could have it. Mainly because of where I've been and what I've seen. I won't invalidate my experiences by commenting that it could have been worse. It was "worse" to me. It is MY past, present and future. period. Realizing that i had more power than i was aware of rips my heart to shreds. Knowing that I had ultimate control and gave it away makes my soul shiver. I was so unaware of so many things. Some people call it naivete. But something was stolen from me or never given to me in the beginning. Early on when my character and personality was shaped. Many misses many heartaches before i knew what heartache was. I used to be able to remove the excuses. I was stronger -which I attribute to ignorant bliss- and able to look ahead of any disappointment. Pulling myself along out of the quicksand and into the sky. I was so proud of that. proud to be resilient. confident in winning. what happened to me...
Monday, April 11, 2011
turmoil brings out the best words. at times, it can also silence them. a gift and a curse. I never quite understood the meaning until recently. A gift that can be shared and give/bring joy to ourselves and others. the curse is the pain and suffering that must be endured to bring about joy. Not sure it's worth it. Right now at this moment, I can't be sure that the outcome will be as sweet because I may not be the same after THIS is over. After this storm, once the page turns, when the story ends, when I grow up. Be still they said. Wait and be silent. Be aggressive. Don't hold back. GO for it. Contradictory statements to me. But anything is better than the in between. Like purgatory. What have I committed in the past life? It couldn't have been THAT bad. Perception is everything. Another concept I have come to understand. I don't know how to change what is. Just because I say it isn't doesn't make it different. I wonder if anyone can understand this mumbo jumbo besides me? Question of the year.