I knew it was a bad day when I stopped wanting make up. I didn't want ANYTHING. I reviewed my wish list and added nothing. I had nothing colorful left inside of me. Gray-ish black shades covered my lids with smokey shadows over my heart. The blackest liner only intensified the sadness in my eyes. Muted lip colour washed out my smile. No blush on the apples of my cheeks as they would never rise. A gloss-less frown wouldn't dare shimmer in the sunlight. Dark contour accentuated the sunken hollows of my cheeks. I knew it was a rough day when I couldn't stand up straight. I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I couldn't even look in the mirror for a final dusting of finishing powder. Nothing was finished and everything undone. I unraveled and sat bare in my make-up. As tears streamed down my face, I finally had one thing to add to my wish list: mascara. It should have been waterproof.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I don't love you right now. maybe I will again...maybe. This is your fault. I'm not playing the blame game. I am responsible for my decisions and my happiness. But you have pushed ME to the limit. You used my love for personal, selfish reasons. You made your pain my pain and how would I know when all I feel is hurt? burdens that aren't mine. tears the fall without reason. anger which singes the edges of my heart. Sobs heavy on my shoulders and in my chest scream, WHY? but I don't understand it. I was losing it all and you laughed. You enjoyed it but I don't know how you could. Evil. "Misery loves company" is tattooed on your heart. If I fail then you won't be the only one they laugh at. But if I fail you fail, TWICE. Catch 22? Not for you. Complete control of me helped you balance your guilt and pleasure. But now I can see you. And now I learn to be me. My life plays before me. I can see it clearly -past present and future. In the past, I could only see through your eyes and would feel extreme pain because I was only looking at you. Your downfall fresh in your mind. Your unforgiven mistakes. Your neon bright regrets all reaching for my innocence. Presently, I see through your eyes but now I am looking at me. AND I AM DISGUSTED by the sight. The way you see me, use me, taunt me, abuse me then discard me. I have seen enough and refuse to look again. Celebrating my own eyes, I see me. Bruised and busted. Torn and scraped -but bandaged. I WILL heal and so will my heart. And it too will see love that it has never known. I almost hate you for this battle and I almost love you for my breakthrough. Trusting HIM got me here and will always keep me. So in the future I am #jumpingoutthewindow. I'm loving all of me all the time.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Well we made it. MADE it into a new year. 2010 is now over and I can say it has been choc-full of events happy sad good and bad. Still, the blessings flow to me from GOD. I am thankful, grateful, and poised for what's to come. Unexpected but solicited advice has me in a new place. A new frame of mind. Well not so much new as no longer dormant. The new year means new things! For some, it's just another year. For me, it's another chance to be fabulous. To be great. To try and to succeed. Whatever comes along with that is dealt with accordingly. Of course, one may evolve throughout the year. Anytime, anyplace. But there is something fresh about January 1st. It offers something January 2nd can't. On January 2nd, the past begins but Jan 1st you can start again. Mistakes, miscalculations and errors are history. A part of the legacy of YOU. I feel like mistakes made in 2010 are corrected in 2010. They are addressed (or not) and consequences, results and responses are true and real in 2010. BUT in 2011, they are all in the past. It's been done, dealt with and dismissed. Any residual effects are now opportunities to grow or forget. You choose. You decide. You LIVE. Spinning wheels, guessing at life or wishing for what isn't BECOMES anything possible. Your strength is again determined on January 1st . Your zest for life is renewed on January 1st. Your sorrows are thrown away at midnight. It is beautiful -at least for that day. Reality is now on January 1st. So do it right. Make great choices and have better follow through. Love differently. Heal. Be better. Be the best.