When are you going to let go? Holding on to what hurts like a vintage Fendi clutch. Worshipping it's power as if it was your god. Illuminating its presence with negative words and vile actions. You are flawed so fix it. You know the truth but you pretend I'm the lie. Typical for me to love you anyway. Or maybe I am the selfish one. Holding on to what doesn't want to be held. Helping what can't be helped. Forgive me as I attempt to turn the other cheek. I'm now asking when am I going to let go of me the lie and you the truth. It definitely hurts.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
My heart dances. It literally dances in my chest. Looking at him fills me to the very top. I love him so much. Everything about him. His walk. Confident but not arrogant. His eyes….black pearls and so very beautiful. When he looks at me I know he can see everything. He knows me. ME. Completes my thoughts when I haven’t yet spoken. When he holds me. An extinguisher couldn’t put out that fire. His hands are strong for me. Soft on me. I love him and I can’t stop. I hope I don’t have to. Because I won’t be able to. What I feel for him is deeper than anything I have ever felt. A connection so solid and real. We feel. Together. Indescribable. Something no one could ever explain. You can’t be told of love. You can only experience this. LOVE. I am in awe of it. I thank GOD for it. Because without HIS love, this would not exist. Only GOD given. For me. To me. For us. I'm in love.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Sad lips and sad words. But only because of the sad heart which sat unhealed inside of her chest. Decidedly unable to overcome what circumstances had created, a world became, and only for her. But no one was there. No one she could be vulnerable to nor anyone who she could love. Only hangers on, haters and false ones. People who would never see her point of view. Those who would always disagree. Those who would consistently disappoint. And it served a purpose. No tug at a sad heart. No risk of caring. No reason to question motives. Tears met her fingertips but to her they were tears of a stranger. There was no crying in this world. Anonymous screams and silent begging would never make it inside this world. Neither would joy, smiles, or the warm tingle of excitement. Is the pain worth the pain? In the name of living...or dying.
I saw you quiet and subdued. But I didn't know why. Beauty struck me and I thought you knew. Others knew. A tease of sorts. A game player. Someone to seek but not to catch. But inside you were more than humble. understated love for self. Overstated for others. Love never found you, not even with me. What I thought I could handle no longer intrigued me. But annoyed me. The potential of you was now lost in the world. You ignorant to its whereabouts. Which is another reason why I promised to let go all thoughts of you. Unable to unravel the mystery of your mind. Actions seemingly contradictory. I can't waste time on you when they are available, eager, tender, ready. No one could match your heart but then again it would never be mine so how would I know.
Monday, November 29, 2010
We locked eyes. A smile began and lingered on his lips. Soon, that same smile found mine. I looked away embarrassed by my attraction. I looked again, unwilling to deny my intentions. He rose from his seat across the room. I stood motionless. Paralyzed by need. I imagined if I moved I may wake up from this dream. I stared unashamedly passion-filled. Stubbornly waiting for him to arrive. And he did. Without words, his hand at the small of my back led me into a private affair. A gentle caress. Fingertips at the base of my neck. A subtle thumb against my lips. A shiver down my spine concluded his lips upon mine. Mind-bending. Lips parting- for loves sake. Swirling love like no other. I was all that mattered to him. Powerfully, distinctly he made me his. I’m the one he chose deliberately and forever. No one else in the world existed, not even me. Just him and his radiance. I disappeared into another world where we were the only heart. I believe his kiss. I know his love. The tighter his grasp, the lovelier I became. What felt like hours in his arms were mere moments at dusk. The sun has set. Our love established. Sealed with a kiss.
I don’t have to be who you want me to be. I am myself. And I don’t understand your problem with that. You want to hurt me. You want me to suffer. You want to see me unravel and broken-spirited. You want me to be unhappy and unfulfilled. Why is this? Try taking a look in the mirror. Write down what you see. You’re ashamed. You’re surprised. You are in tears. Cry for what you have grown to hate about what you see. Cry for the sadness that dwells in your heart. Scream out for that young child hurt and alone and Stop. Picking. On. Me. Stop trying to turn me into that hurt child. Stop tearing at my self-esteem so it will match yours. Stop hating me because of who you are not. Life wasn’t fair to you so you won’t be fair to it. You won’t heal. You won’t feel better. You won’t prosper. You won’t love. However, you will wonder what happiness tastes like. You will long for an unbroken heart. You will desire after fearless nights and joy –filled days. You will never break me. You will never make me into who you are. I am stronger. No apologies. I am wiser through no fault of yours. I was here when no one else was. And now I am gone just like everyone else.
I love you but I can’t tell you how much. It’s my secret. You’re not mine. I love you more than myself and I know that’s toxic. But without you is like poison to my body. Is there a difference? I feel like I would die. If you weren’t here with me. I feel like life would be misery and torment. Hell on earth. Without you. No eating no sleeping barely breathing. Should I try? Try to give you away? Back to her? How could I betray myself? Physically aching to touch you. How can I possibly willingly let go of my love? I would rather risk the pain of never being us just to have you as long as I can. As long as you decide I am worthy. I’ve made you my god and discarded my faith. Only for you to kiss me one more time. Only for you to tell me good bye. Simply for the nothing I am left with. It’s ok. I will die after you’re gone. So I won’t feel a thing. In reality, I am already dead.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
unwillingly i ran to the window because i had to watch my misery up close. i didn't know it would shock the breath from my lungs as it had. he left without a word. only a look that i had read on his face many times before. a look that conveyed love lost and none returned. surely my true heart could recognize a false one so there must be an alternate ending. that's the reason i had to watch. i had to see something different in his eyes than what was there before the door slammed and he walked out of my life. i became lightheaded from holding my breath and finally let out a deep sigh. he looked down at his hands. he was texting or dialing from his cell. i quickly glanced at my phone sitting on the coffee table, non-vibrating and without sound. did he change his mind? why doesn't he just come back to the front door? he knows. he KNOWS I'll let him in. All the way back in. the lights flashed across his face which showed a blank and emotionless expression. not once looking back toward me as I peeked through the window. he smiled wide with a small laugh. the headlights paused. she unlocked the doors he jumped in the passenger seat they drove off. together. i said good-bye to my heart.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
He is magnificent. beautiful too. I love everything about him. when i see him butterflies kiss and flowers bloom. he is everything to me. His lips are kissable. his arms are my shield. they wrap me up in forever. To get lost in his eyes is to dream raw perfection. essential. broad shouldered protection. sexy swag unintended. loving him is obvious. loving us is amazing. giving up the fantasy that we are not is the tortureous death of my heart. i ache for what isn’t and long for what can never be. ripped open by reality i lay bare chested mournfully so. wondering how my life existed prior to his existence and how my heart will endure without. his.
Monday, November 22, 2010
I am disappointed. Disappointed that you have been false in my life. Disappointed that I couldn’t see the truth that was there staring me in my heart. I wonder why it took so many years for me to accept that you are not good for me.
I’ve had several toxic relationships. Eventually, I had to look inside of myself and determine that it is not always the other person. This is not to illustrate that others shouldn’t be held accountable for awful behavior. We are ALL responsible for our actions. Still, if I am aware of such behavior and allow it, it may continue. Some folk in my life have truly loved me. Loved me enough NOT to take advantage of me and to be a true to that continually. And some were only fair-weather friends. It happens to the best of us. It’s our job to determine the difference amongst those and the former and know when to let go and move on. But when you are hurting you will attract others who are hurting as well. Not everyone deals with pain similarly nor are they aware that their pain has been dumped upon others.
Some know and selfishly feed themselves without regard to so-called friends. Some realize it later and attempt change. Others are so pained that they know no other way to exist. If they admit that their pain is deep and another person’s pain is not as deep or even non-existent (at least in appearance to that person), then the question “why me” can overpower the psyche. This feeling lends to self-pity, jealousy, hatred toward others which can manifest with false and bad actions -many times to persons who are closest in relation. Don’t fall victim to victimization. To coddle, protect or nurture such a person is the WRONG ANSWER to this problem.
In trying to protect a friend(s) I am guilty of just that. You also have to be careful and listen to God’s instruction. Every challenge is not for you to overcome. There are lessons in letting go, walking away and not clinging to the past. This is a very real and hard lesson learn. At the end of the day, you must take care of yourself, attempt to love yourself the way GOD loves you, and push forward ALWAYS for the constant betterment of self. For me, this means getting rid of all the bad energy around me. You never know how greatly this difficult act may affect positive change in another. Do it without malice and with love. No love lost-as they say-just move on to the next chapter and celebrate the ride-because you may not be able to enjoy the ride until it’s over.