Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I don't love you right now.  maybe I will again...maybe.  This is your fault.  I'm not playing the blame game.  I am responsible for my decisions and my happiness. But you have pushed ME to the limit.  You used my love for personal, selfish reasons.  You made your pain my pain and how would I know when all I feel is hurt?  burdens that aren't mine.  tears the fall without reason.  anger which singes the edges of my heart.  Sobs heavy on my shoulders and in my chest scream, WHY? but I don't understand it.  I was losing it all and you laughed.  You enjoyed it but I don't know how you could.  Evil. "Misery loves company" is tattooed on your heart.  If I fail then you won't be the only one they laugh at. But if I fail you fail, TWICE.  Catch 22?  Not for you. Complete control of me helped you balance your guilt and pleasure.  But now I can see you. And now I learn to be me.  My life plays before me.  I can see it clearly -past present and future. In the past, I could only see through your eyes and would feel extreme pain because I was only looking at you. Your downfall fresh in your mind. Your unforgiven mistakes. Your neon bright regrets all reaching for my innocence. Presently, I see through your eyes but now I am looking at me.  AND I AM DISGUSTED by the sight. The way you see me, use me, taunt me, abuse me then discard me.  I have seen enough and refuse to look again.  Celebrating my own eyes, I see me.  Bruised and busted.  Torn and scraped -but bandaged.  I WILL heal and so will my heart.  And it too will see love that it has never known.  I almost hate you for this battle and I almost love you for my breakthrough.  Trusting HIM got me here and will always keep me.  So in the future I am #jumpingoutthewindow.  I'm loving all of me all the time.

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